The Power Within Us All

So I’ve had that feeling again lately… the one that I know I need to write, to get something out of me, but I’m not sure what it is.  Usually when I have this feeling it’s because what I want to write about makes me uncomfortable, or insecure in sharing it.  So far anything that makes me uncomfortable usually brings me the most if I lean into it so here goes…

I just left therapy, it’s become pretty routine now and I actually look forward to it every week.  It’s amazing too, how I don’t usually know what I’m going to talk about and before I know it our hour is up.  I recently switched therapists, my last one left the practice so I was randomly assigned to someone else.  This released all sorts of triggers in me, especially abandonement.  It took everything in me not to just quit, but I trusted the universe and tried to think that maybe it was a good thing rather than some upheaval to my therapeutic process.  Turns out it was a great thing!  I feel like I’ve gotten more out of therapy the last few weeks than I have before.  I get good insight and I really enjoy talking to her.  She’s able to ask good questions that put things into different perspectives, especially ones I’m uncomfortable with,  or piece things together I’m not able to on my own.  Turns out the universe was right and I am so happy I trusted it!

One topic we’ve touched on a bit lately is power.  This is a word that makes me uncomfortable as I’ve always had a hard time accepting or believing that I hold power.  So many years staying quiet and keeping my feelings to myself made me feel small and unimportant so who was I to have any power?  Lately though, I am starting to believe it.  This triggers me as well, especially my Ego. I question if I am just stroking my ego and have a big head, or in fact I may actually hold some power.  I am very insecure in sharing this exact thing for that reason.  I never want someone to think that I think I am ‘bigger than or better than’ anyone which I believe is the root of Ego. I have worked so hard on myself for what seems like a very long time and I feel like the work is paying off. I have shared so much of myself with others, not to influence them or push the ways of my jouney onto them, but simply share my story so that no one out there feels they are alone. That we are all human, have similar experiences and it is ok to share and connect with each other about them.

My intention through all of this is to better myself, to continue to learn and grow.  What if along the way thats trickled out onto others?  Could I be influencing others to set out on their own journeys?  Until recently I didn’t believe I had that kind of ‘power’ but maybe I am starting to believe it.  I feel like so many people around me, people I’ve known for years and people I’ve only just met are on similar journeys, or setting out on one.  Less afraid to do so for some reason, or at least less afraid to share how they truly feel, which is my absolute favorite thing!  I love getting to the core of people, real connection, it lights my soul on fire in the best possible way! Some of those people I feel I have influenced and others maybe just highlighted an area, or been able to simply hold space for them while they figure things out.  In all of it my part has been pretty much the same, just sharing my story and being supportive of theirs, maybe that is my power.

I see my sisters and both of them individually have and are growing at a rapid pace to the individuals I’ve always known them to be and have caught glimpses of our whole lives, but lately I just see them both diving in to another level of becoming their highest and most authentic selves. It’s been unbelievable to witness and I am bursting with joy and love at how much we all have and continue to grow!  I am not saying I had some magical power in all of that, but maybe by me finally being me, I made them feel that it was ok for them to be them.  I’ve seen different friends come out of their shells or be more open and willing to explore new things. Get more real with themselves as well as me.  I’ve formed more friendships with people than I ever have in my entire life.  Real and connected friendships, not just surface friends or convenient acquaintances.  I just don’t have time for small talk anymore, or saving face. If it doesn’t work for me, I simply don’t give it energy or don’t engage. How has it taken me this long to actually do that when I’ve always wanted to?

I feel like so many new and important people have come into my life this year.  It started in Bali with my yoga retreat.  I never knew what it was like to be that open and honest with strangers, and to gain a new family within 7 days.  It still boggles my mind the connections I had on that trip as well as the ones that have continued since. I have done things alone, things that I could never have done years prior, for fear of looking like a loner loser.  Instead of seeing it that way I was open to new experiences and pretty much everytime I do something solo, it works out better than I could’ve imagined and I have formed new friendships and relationships I never would have had I not gone alone.  I feel like the universe is on my side.  I want to say FINALLY, but maybe the universe has always been on my side and I simply wasn’t open to it.  I feel grounded and centered in my mind and body, that I am vibrating at a high frequency, and am aligned with my morals and values. I feel I am able to spread that without effort, simply by being myself. It’s one of the best and most freeing feelings in the world!  Why does it all sound so easy when it’s been the hardest challenges of my life to bring me to this point? It’s been such a long, hard journey that I feel I’ve made so much progress, but also kind of just begun.

I’ve really not been one to have many regrets.  Sure we all lived through our early 20’s and made terrible decisions, I was the queen of them, but I still don’t regret them.  I learned a shit ton from each and every one of them.  Some of the lessons took me making the same mistake over and over again for years before learning, but if that’s what it took than so be it. I feel like everything that has happenned in my life has led me to this point.  Even during this last year, which by far has been the hardest, I knew I was meant to be in that dark place in order to really learn something. To sit with that pain and actually let myself feel it, rather than numb it or deny it was there.  In doing so I was able to work through it, process it, and let go of it once and for all.  I’m not saying I’ve let everything go I need to, but I definitley lightened my load and have learned that I can make it through to the other side.  That by doing this, maybe it’s not so scary and I’ll be able to do it quicker next time rather than hold onto it and choose to suffer.  Some things I’ve figured out, and so many other things I’ve yet to even have the faintest ideas on.  My favorite thing is when the light bulb goes off and I am able to see clearly why something had to happen.  I live for those moments each and every day!

So maybe my power is simply being myself and filling my soul with things that ignite me. Being open to sharing that in any way that I can.

Soul Igniters:

Live music

Nature

Intimate Connection whether physical or not

Great conversation

Food or a memorable shared meal

Shared experiences

Travel and learning about different cultures and their traditions

Taking care of others

Being appreciated

Watching a child light up with genuine excitement

Genuine Gratitude

Kids belly laughs

Good surprises

These are things I made high priorities over the last 6 months and man what a difference they have made in my life!  Live music alone I swear healed my soul.  I averaged a live show a week for a few months after my dad passed away and it was the best therapy I could’ve had!  Just to be around such a wide variety of artists each week sharing with the crowd their gifts and the moments that only come at live shows simply made my heart whole again, one experience at a time.  That connection you feel as part of a crowd is one of my favorites! The saying “it’s the little things” couldn’t feel more true in my life than it does today.  It’s so many little things that start to become so many big things that simply lead to peace and joy.

I remember the darkest of days, not that long ago.  Nights of crying on my couch pleading with god, crying myself to sleep, or simply not being able to sleep knowing and feeling something just wasn’t right.  I’m not saying those days are forever behind me, but I can say I haven’t had one of those days in a very long time.  I remember manifesting peace for the first time.  It came to me in a literal stone that said peace, but it was something I couldn’t deny, a very profound moment in my life.  I no longer have to manifest peace, it’s something I simply have and I couldn’t be more grateful!  I’m hesitant to say I feel joy, but at the same time I can’t deny it.  I have been joyful and happy more lately than maybe ever in my life.  For the first time I can definitely say that joy comes from within and it’s a feeling I am so grateful to know.  I am trying to enjoy these new feelings.  To not analyze them or question them, but simply let them be.  It’s still a work in progress, but then again aren’t we all?