2017

2017. So happy you’re over.  This year has by far been the hardest year of my life.  I fell in love with someone and I’m still trying to fall out of love with him which has been the hardest breakup of my life.  I feel lost and broken in so many ways,  but yet strong and confident in so many others.  I’ve taken all of the hard lessons from this year and really really learned from them, or am still learning from them.  I have cried more in this last year than maybe all of my adult years put together.  I am more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.  I am not trying to be anything but myself which is so freeing.  It’s also not always the easiest.  People like to have you be who they think you are and sometimes don’t like when you change your mind.  I’ve learned that at times I can come off as fearless, even though at times I feel paralyzed by fear.  I’ve learned that as low as I may get, that I will always pick myself back up.  I’ve learned that asking for help is an amazing strength and not a weakness at all as I’d previously thought.  I’ve learned patience and understanding even when I am extremely impatient and do not understand.  I’ve learned that my intuition is a great and powerful gift that I am coming to learn about more and more everyday.

All of these things I have learned in the hardest year of my life, so why has it been so hard?  I guess so it sticks?  I won’t forget you 2017, you were kind of a bitch, but also gave me some of the best times of my life.  You showed me love when I needed it the most. You’ve made me dig deeper than I was ready to at times.  You made me cry myself to sleep more times than I would’ve liked, but you also allowed me to wake the next day.  I am trying to see the positive and be grateful as I know these are lessons I needed to learn.  Lessons that will shape the rest of my life.

There was one particular moment of 2017 that I will never forget.  My ex and I were dancing and looking into each other’s eyes and he simply said “Babe, I can’t love you until you love yourself”  That moment changed my life.  I had come to that conclusion earlier that week already, but him simply stating it validated exactly how I felt. I learned how to love myself and value myself.  To have self worth, FINALLY!  It started at that moment, but I learned it and will continue to learn it the rest of my life.  I come first, because if I don’t I’m no good to anyone.

So as hard as this year has been, I know it’s all been worth it, even the really hard times.  I’m not saying there won’t continue to be hard times, but I will be able to draw from the strength I’ve built this year as some days I didn’t know how I’d make it through.  Crippled by loneliness and sadness, longing for that connection I had grown so used to not so long ago.  I’m grateful for the memories I have, the ones I’ll never forget, but sometimes they hurt so much as I wonder when I’ll feel that way again.  I know that day will come soon enough, just curious to see what it looks like…. Bring it on 2018 I’m ready for ya!