How do I fall out of love with someone? If you have the answer please fill me in! My past relationship, being the most significant one I’ve ever had, has also been the hardest to get over. We had our problems sure, but mostly things were good. The ending was mutual, although I thought for sure we’d be back together within a month or so, boy was I wrong. The biggest problem is that I was not made to feel like I was a priority, at least not towards the end. In the beginning I felt like I was the center of his universe. I was just happy to be with him, so I went along with pretty much everything. The problems really didn’t start until I started speaking up about things that I had noticed. Mainly his lack of control when it came to certain things as well as excuses for everything. That came to a head and we called it quits, but remained very close friends for a while. Still confiding in each other on big things, although I was the one holding on more, I still am.
He’s moved on, just became facebook official with his new girl. We were never even facebook official, hell he never even called me his girlfriend. This is where I feel like I’m crazy. Does the intensity of our relationship as well as the feelings I felt and know he felt too diminish what we had because we weren’t as public with our feelings? So much of us as a couple was behind closed doors, away from other people. I mean we were definitely a couple in the public and met each others friends, but most of our relationship was just us. I loved us and I’m pretty sure he did too. See, I’ve taken so much time since we broke up going over my emotions and trying to learn from them. He has continued to push me away and run from his emotions. Choosing to drink and do drugs to numb any feeling at all. He’s an addict. This is another layer of why I am so confused.
I have started attending Al-Anon meetings which have shed so much light on how I feel, being in love with an addict. I have also distanced myself from him, which has been the hardest thing to do. I worry about him all the time. He had planned on getting clean and sober, but I’ve heard he has not been successful. This breaks my heart. He is beyond capable of it, but I just don’t think he has the tools to figure out how to do it on his own. I don’t know what it will take for him to finally realize that and actually get real help. My love for him is so deep but sometimes I question if my worry is something to continue to allow myself to hold onto him. How do I let go of someone I love as well as someone that needs help? I still battle with the fact that I cannot help him, that I am powerless when it comes to his addiction. He can only help himself. I guess I struggle so much because he isn’t helping himself and I wonder if there is something I can do to help that.
So how do I fall out of love with him? I’ve meditated, done yoga, prayed, done acupuncture, read books, exercised, talked and talked and talked, focused on quality time with friends and family, travelled, but yet my mind still wonders and worries about him all the time. It’s gotten slightly better in some areas, but it goes in waves, some days better than others. I’m open to dating, but just haven’t met someone that I have any kind of connection with. I don’t want to waste time or energy on anyone else as I’ve already done enough of that with him. Although I don’t feel like it’s wasted time or energy with him. Why is that? He certainly isn’t thinking and worrying about me… My gut still tells me that there’s something worth holding onto and honestly my gut hasn’t steered me wrong hardly ever. So why can’t I let go when EVERYONE tells me I should?
My heart is shattered. Maybe I don’t want to let go because then I’d have to put my heart out there and risk it being shattered again. I can’t imagine anyone else hurting me again as I’m still recovering from my current hurt. Is there a time limit on when you should be over someone? We haven’t even been together in 7 months! How is it still this hard? But really how? Shouldn’t I be at least a little closer to over him by now, after 7 fucking months? Again, if you have the answer, please fill me in!
So I have a trip planned… 3 weeks in Southeast Asia! Maybe I’ll find some answers there! I plan to write quite a bit so stay tuned….
Mindfully Authentic 