It’d been almost 2 years since I’d been back to Wisconsin. The last time I was home was my Dad’s funeral. Subconsciously I was avoiding going back but I hadn’t realized that until the days leading up to my departure grew closer and the anxiety started setting in. On top of facing things I’d left behind or ran away from when I left back in 2011 I was also grieving the loss of my friend. A heaviness weighed upon me and it was daunting knowing I was heading home to face it all.
Leaving my hometown and state were always goals of mine, but I think I was even surprised when I actually made the move to California. Looking back now it’s still hard to believe how far I’ve come from the person I was when I left. So sheltered and naïve, inexperienced and unaware of so many things. Running from all things I wasn’t yet ready to face. The time had finally come now to face all my shit head on and that’s exactly what I intended to do in the time I spent in Wisconsin.
My 20’s were challenging in several ways, no different than anyone else. I’d struggled so much to figure out who I was and instead focused on who I could become. Identifying as a nurse first and Amanda second. This pattern remained until just a few years ago. I put all my time and energy into my career, my patients and their families, knowing deep down it was still never enough, but not willing to admit that to myself until recently. Spending years throughout my career giving so much until I started to run out of energy to give myself.
Many people have asked me if I will give up nursing altogether and honestly I’m not sure what the answer to that question is. What I do know is my heart is too full from the patients and families I’ve cared for, for all the sadness, sickness, and suffering I’ve seen throughout my career. There simply isn’t any room left and I want to remedy that. I want to make room for myself. More than anything I don’t want to have a life or death job. I’m not sure if that is forever or just for a while. I simply need time away to even know what it feels like not to be a caregiver for others everyday. To be a caregiver to myself. Not to walk into a hospital and see sickness or deal with the politics within a unit. Having to bite my tongue or shine it on everyday. It became harder and harder to fake it which is when I came to realize I was burnt out and needed a break.
Being back in Wisconsin was better than I anticipated. Over the years since leaving I had created these stories of where I come from, usually playing out the negative. My intention for spending time at home was to flip the negative into positive and I planned on staying as long as it took to do so. Only I can choose to shift my perspective and see that the positive far outweighs all the negative stories I’ve told and thus believed. That negativity hindering me from owning up to my role as well as forgiving others for theirs. Something I’ve finally come to accept is that everyone is simply doing the best they can. Once I was able to accept and believe that, it was easy to shift things into a positive light. Releasing that heaviness of negativity.
For years I’ve held things over others’ heads only causing it to weigh me down and cause unnecessary suffering for me. That’s it! I’m done with that! It’s a choice I have made, and we all have that choice. We can choose to see the positive and let go of the negative or we can choose to see the negative and therefore omit the positive. I’ve done both and seeing the positive is a far better way to live in my opinion. Up until recently though, I wasn’t ready or possibly even capable of letting go.
Throughout the last few years I have read countless self help books, meditated, done yoga, taken workshops and gone on life changing retreats. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am today and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. I have journaled, gone to therapy, consulted with friends and family, started this blog, been so very vulnerable and raw that I wonder if I should close it up a little more. In doing this, being open, I have received the most wonderful things. Support, encouragement, connection, love, admiration, the list goes on and on. The feedback I get when I share something personal about myself, a story, an experience, or even just a feeling about something has been incredible. It often encourages whomever I am sharing that moment with to do the same. Love and goodness really have a ripple effect so spread that shit like wildflowers people! We all want to be loved and it’s not that hard to show ourselves and others a little at a time.
Being back in my hometown and revisiting places I’d been to many times before, many years ago forced me to see so many things I’d simply forgotten. Old bars I used to frequent, roads I’d spent driving aimlessly down listening to music trying to process whatever was consuming my life at the time, seeing old friends and reminiscing over good times and memories we’d shared together. Running into people I haven’t seen in 10-15 years. Sadly, realizing I’m old enough to have still been an adult and had adult experiences 10-15 years ago! There’s history here I’d for some reason blocked out. I’m not sure why and that is something I’m still trying to figure out.
For now though I know that I am proud and happy to come from where I do. That being from my small town in Wisconsin has helped to shape me into the strong, independent woman I am today. My parents instilled good morals and values, a strong midwestern work ethic, manners, and an overall toughness one must have to survive Wisconsin winters. My hometown has its quirks, but it will always be home.
Resentment is something I believe kept me from accepting the good of where I come from. That grasping and pointing the finger at people and circumstances that prevented me from doing what I wanted to. All that resentment is nothing but Bull Shit!!! Resentment only causes YOU to suffer. The person or situation YOU resent doesn’t give a shit, hell, they may not even know so let that shit go. Whatever it is, PERIOD! Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can. Playing the victim is a favorite pastime of mine and I was damn good at it. I could spin anything into “poor me, can you believe this or can you believe they did that?” All that does is deflect the blame from you. Stand up and hold yourself accountable for your actions and choices, they’re yours so OWN THEM!! I still find myself stumbling upon the victim role and as soon as I recognize it you better believe I call myself out!
Owning mine hasn’t always been easy. There are many things I would’ve done differently, but honestly I don’t really have any regrets. Every single step I’ve taken thus far has led me to where I am today and I like where I am so I wouldn’t change a thing. My goal is to learn and grow from my missteps, to forgive myself and others and try not to repeat them. No one is perfect and I am not striving to be. I am striving to be good. To be authentic and true to myself. To lead by example and to have as much fun as I can while doing so. If all the loss I’ve endured in my life thus far has taught me anything it’s that life is short and can change in an instant. My goal is to make the most out of each and every moment I’ve got.
So after 3 weeks I felt it was time to leave home again. To venture into unknown territory and begin the van life journey I’d set out to have. I’d come to Wisconsin with the intention to flip the negative into positive, to let go of the heavy baggage that I’d chosen to let weigh me down for all those years. Feeling lighter and freer it was time to venture onward.
A loose outline exists of places I’ll go and people I’ll see, but for the most part it’s unplanned and has already changed in an instant many times. I can’t want to see where this journey takes me, the experiences I’ll have and people I’ll meet. One thing I know is I am happy as hell I believed in myself, faced my fears, and took the the giant leap to do this!
***the picture is a gorgeous sunrise on Christmas morning at my Parents house in Wisconsin***
Mindfully Authentic 