Insight meditation is defined as a form of meditation that employs concentration sharply focused on bodily sensations and mental events, practiced with the intention of gaining insight into reality. Leading up to the end of the year I knew I wanted to end the decade as well as start the new one out on a spiritual note. Knowing I’d be in Wisconsin for the holidays I’d searched for some sort of meditation retreat over the New Years weekend and stumbled upon one in Chicago taught by a Bay Area teacher, Andrew Getz.
The 4-day retreat would be practiced in Noble Silence, something I’d not experienced before. “4 days without talking?” “Can I even do that?” I thought to myself. Without overthinking it, I signed up and committed. There was a silent meditation retreat at Esalen in Big Sur last year that I was supposed to attend but extenuating circumstances forced me to cancel. That was not going to happen again as I knew this was something I wanted but also very much needed. Time to process the events that have happened in my life lately as well as many I’d pushed down or blocked out altogether. The silence would allow those things to bubble up to the surface so I could face them finally.
Driving to Chicago was something I’d done many times before. My sister lived there for just under a decade while I was in my early 20’s and I retreated there often in order to gain perspective on my life as well as escape it I realize now. There is so much I left behind in Wisconsin when I moved to California 9 years ago. Things I hadn’t faced or even realized at the time. Much of my intention for starting my journey in Wisconsin is to take the time to face those things, heal them, and move on finally. Releasing myself from the power I’ve allowed them to have over me and take that power back.
Upon checking in and getting settled in my room, a simple twin bed with a sink, desk, comfortable chair, and communal bathrooms in the hallway, I found myself grateful to be there, a little scared, but also ready. We had an introduction to Andrew along with a review of the schedule for the next few days which was extremely daunting. 30-45-minute seated meditation followed by 30-minute walking meditations repeated several times only to be broken up by meals and sleep. “Holy crap that’s a lot of sitting and silence” I thought to myself. Again, wondering if this is something I’d be able to do.
Andrew guided us to pay attention to the breath in 1 of 2 ways: at the nose, or in the belly. Focusing on the sensations felt of the air moving in and out of the nose, or the sensations of the belly rising and falling. It was that simple. Sit in silence and pay attention to the breath in 1 of those 2 ways. If your mind trailed off simply direct it back to the breath and the sensations of the breath.
I’ve practiced meditation over the last couple years inconsistently. When I meditate regularly everything makes more sense and seems to fall into place, making me feel aligned. Even knowing and feeling that I get off track and don’t make it a daily priority. My intention with this retreat was to see how I’d feel after 4 days of silence and meditation as a hope to motivate me to practice more regularly.
Along with seated meditation we were also introduced to walking meditation. Being mindful of each step we take, the heaviness of our leg lifting, the sensation of our foot touching the ground. The walking meditation was where I struggled the most. Being mindful and taking each step without a destination as well as a much slower pace was something I never quite seemed to get the hang of, but that’s why it’s a practice right? All of this quickly became routine. Sit, walk, sit walk, meal, break, sit, walk, sit, walk, meal, break…
After the first day I knew what to expect and found it comforting to have a schedule to adhere to. If we had a question or message for another person there was a message board we could leave notes. Otherwise we were to remain silent. I thought it would be hard, but honestly the silence was the easy part. Not having an option to say something was a relief. There was no expectation and it allowed me to get comfortable with myself and the inner workings of my head.
Each morning at the 9am sit Andrew would give us further instructions, helping us to go deeper and build upon previous instructions. The instructions I found the most helpful during the retreat were to note the feeling.
- Recognize the feeling in the body and how it registers
- Allow the feeling to manifest
- Stay present and rooted in the moment
- Get in touch with the flow of consciousness
- Notice it and let it be
Noting is meant to support clear recognition that this is the thing occurring right now. An example of noting would be if you were sitting and thinking judging thoughts you’d simply note that by saying “judging” to yourself. By identifying what you are doing you can accept that, let it be, and move on. Refocusing your attention back to the breath. I found this so helpful as it is so simple and effective.
Another form of meditation he instructed us on was Loving Kindness meditation. Repeating sentences as a mantra over and over during the seated meditation
May I be Happy,
May I be Well,
May I be Safe and Free from Harm,
May I live with Contentment and Ease
The repetition and feeling where it resonated in my body and mind upon repeating each of those lines became very powerful and broke up the silence in my head. While repeating these lines I was also giving myself permission to feel and be each of them, showing myself love and worth by a powerful knowing that I deserve each and every one of these things.
We ended each day with a Dharma talk given by Andrew. They ranged from talking about the body as an anchor, resource and refuge along with the 3 conditions in Buddhism: impermanence, unsatisfactoriness or suffering, and non self. He cited many wonderful quotes that invoked many feelings often coming from the book “Mindfulness” written by Joseph Goldstein. Funny enough I’d bought this book in a spiritual shop just before New Years the year prior and had read most of it. Validation I was on the right path. I never could’ve imagined I’d be on a meditation retreat a year later being taught by student of the author. It’s amazing how the universe works sometimes. One of my favorite quotes he shared was by Georgia O’Keefe
“I’ve been absolutely terrified my entire life,
but I didn’t let it stop me from doing anything”
That quote resonated deep. Fear has been a familiar friend, allowing me to play the victim role instead of own my choices and face my fear head on. So much of my life now is facing that fear. Believing in myself in ways I never have before, not really understanding how it’s taken me so long to do so. The opposite of fear is love and that is what I am focusing on now. Love of myself and others, creating connection and support to us all.
When our silence came to an end we all sat in a large circle and faced one another in order to close out the retreat. We were paired up to share our experiences of the while the other nobly listened in silence without responding. I was paired with a woman who had bothered me throughout the retreat. She was in a room down the hall with me and I had overheard her and her roommate talking a lot, clearly not maintaining the noble silence. I was very bothered and distracted by her blatant disregard for those of us that strived to maintain the silence. To be paired with her to close out the weekend irritated me. When I went to speak, I found I didn’t have much to say. What I did say was that I was sad to break the silence, that I felt as though I was doing something wrong by speaking as it’d been a few days since I’d last done so. We had 5 minutes to say how we were feeling and I was done after a minute. Not feeling a connection to my partner or a safety to share what was really going on. That I was frustrated with her, irritated by our being paired, and sad the retreat was coming to an end.
When it came time for her to speak and me to nobly listen, I found myself having much greater compassion for her and her situation. She expressed how difficult these last few days had been for her. How hard it was for her to meditate and be silent, her unaware we’d be silent for 4 days throughout the retreat when she signed up, as well as how much she wanted to leave each and every day, but that she stuck it out until the end. It taught me that once we know more about how people feel and what they are going through, everything shifts. How easy it is to be compassionate and understanding with just a little more information. Something to take with me back into the real world when I find myself frustrated or annoyed with others.
After our talking and noble listening with our partners the circle was opened for anyone to share their experience. People expressed their gratitude, breakthroughs, epiphanies, and transformations. So many of us going through the same things in our heads and even though we were in silence, we all went through it together. All of us as a community holding space for one another. It was very powerful and a wonderful way to end the retreat.
It’s been a few weeks since the retreat ended. I still struggle with prioritizing meditation in a formal way. My meditations look a little different than the seated or walking ones at the retreat. Now I am silent and present, mindful and aware, but more often without a timer and bell to alert me to it’s completion. My meditations are more organic. That’s not to say I don’t formally sit, but it is a practice I haven’t done much of lately. By writing this and looking through my journal and notes made during the retreat I am reinvigorated to make it a priority. Reminded of the feelings of clarity, alignment, and Zen I had upon its completion.
Those feelings are still there, my pace of life has slowed since being in the van and leaving my nursing career. Not having a schedule and being free to do what I feel has been so empowering and freeing. The empowerment comes from listening to myself, my intuition and instincts, and simply letting and myself be. Be present in the moment, be grateful for it, just be.
***the picture is of my schedule for the weekend silent meditation retreat***
Mindfully Authentic 