This wasn’t the plan. I’ve worked so hard on the van over the last few months. Making sure mechanically things work well and then making it livable. It’d been in and out of the shop the last few months getting the battery connection tweaked, changing the glow plugs, which was not straightforward at all, replacing the ball joint and the particulating filter. All this in prep for full time van life. The last time I picked it up from the shop the owner said “well we shouldn’t be seeing each other for a long while now.”
I’d also done a lot of work making it livable. Putting in a headliner shelf (shelf above the driver and passenger seat) for added storage. Having to special order a drill bit in order to remove the screws that already existed and adapt to when even a couple of them would not budge. Finding alternative ways to hang the headliner shelf, which I absolutely did! Making the passenger seat swivel and able to turn around and face the back, essentially giving myself a ‘living room’, adding flooring, building and hanging a kitchen shelf to keep things enclosed so they wouldn’t move around when driving, hanging a spice rack and knife magnet to utilize wall space and ease of storing cooking supplies and utensils rather than use precious space in my one and only drawer. I’d found a mantle shelf for free on craigslist that fit perfectly next to my bed for enclosed storage on 3 sides but open at the top. It’d prevent things from sliding all over the place and would be great to have storage at my bedside. I was impressing myself with skills I didn’t even know I had. Things I was able to figure out on the fly, build and install and check one thing after another off the list. Getting creative with utilizing such a small space. It was like a tetris puzzle and I was having a blast trying to figure it out. A friend custom built and installed an enclosure for my stove that is positioned in the sliding doorway of the van. I gave him a loose outline of what I wanted, and he put it together in about 4 hours. It’s positioned great for ventilation as well as again utilizing open space within the van. It also has a drawbridge type shelf that can come down for more counter space or be put up when the sliding door is closed. My plan was to use every spare inch in the van, no space being wasted. Even the cup holders in the doors I’d found my large hydroflasks fit perfectly in. Under the bed large Rubbermaid bins hold wardrobes for different seasons and other supplies not knowing exactly what I’ll need now and in the future. My port-a-potty fits snugly next to my kitchen cabinets and the wheel well under the bed, making it easily accessible when I need it, but also allowing it to be hidden when I don’t. I’d built a place that secures the large propane tank that fuels my stove allowing me to cook meals and boil hot water for tea and coffee, probably the most crucial part to van living, at least for me anyways. Everything was done, I’d taken all the steps, and fully moved in. My plan was finally coming to life right before my eyes. Or so I thought.
Not having all the answers can be very frustrating, spending so much time in our life searching for answers, sometimes not even knowing what the question is. Relinquishing control and trusting that everything will be ok doesn’t come easy to me, especially when I have a plan. My plan didn’t include a broken-down van after just moving in. My plan didn’t include having to stay with friends while the auto shop builds me a new transmission. My plan didn’t include me paying for this huge expense when I had other plans for that money. Most of all my plan didn’t include prolonging my ultimate plan with the van which is to venture out on the open road to see what life can be like in a different way. Outside of a career I’m burnt out on and a city I’m ready to part ways with, as well as a life that I feel no longer works for me.
Clearly, I can see by the undeniable evidence before me that things don’t always go according to plan. So if this isn’t the plan, then what is?
So far plan B looks like staying with amazing friends and making the most of it. Enjoying dinners together and not having to cook for 1, something I despise. Drinking wine and talking about work and life and anything that comes up, but really enjoying it, knowing it won’t be this way forever! Reconnecting with people after isolating myself with ‘van stuff’ for the last few months.
It looks like rolling with the punches. Another thing not going according to plan was that I had a planned trip with friends to Yosemite. I still wanted to take advantage of my pre planned time off, but couldn’t fathom camping without the van. Where could I go so last minute? Where it didn’t cost me an arm and a leg considering I have a new transmission to pay for, but that still gives me the time off I so desperately need? I reached out to a doctor I work with who’s let me stay at his cabin up north a few times in hopes it might be free this weekend. By some grace of god it was! I decided to head up north alone and get back to a good place emotionally. Stress being a constant since I got the van and needing to relinquish the devil I’d somehow let take control. The devil being stress. I’d let it take over my life and that desperately needed to change.
Up north I knew I needed to rest. Make a fire. Have a dance party. Drink wine. Write. Catch up on modules and work for the online programs I’m in. Cook good food. Be in silence. Meditate. Take a walk. Smell the crisp, fall air. Breathe. Connect with my breath. Feel all the stress and anxiety melt away simply by being present and accepting where I am right now, in this moment. Processing all that’s happened since I got the van and looking back at how much I have done and accomplished already. Instead of feeling like “why is this happening to me” but turning it into “what can I learn from this experience?” I know this is something we’ve all read a hundred times and sometimes I want to barf when I read it, but it really is about changing our perspective when things don’t go according to plan. That’s it. It’s often a lot easier said than done, but also very necessary no matter how hard it is.
How did I forget this? That I can change how I feel by taking myself out of the environment I’m in and really taking the time to accept things as they are. I know not everyone has the privilege of going up to an amazing cabin in the woods scott free and I’m unbelievably grateful I did have that opportunity, but we can all choose to be present. By being present and grateful for what is going according to plan. Forgetting to do this has caused me so much stress and anxiety. Grasping onto things that need to be let go of. Feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim when my situation could have and still can be so much worse. The list of things I was able to do to get the van ready, the ways my friends have shown up for me throughout this process. Building custom and essential pieces for my van, opening their homes for me to stay when I’m essentially homeless and not making me feel worse than I do, as well as the support I’ve received and many pats on the back for taking this risk in the first place. This is what I need to focus on and be grateful for. Not the fact that the van has a fixable problem that may cost a bit more than I want to spend, but ultimately can afford.
By being in silence, being on my own schedule, not one according to when I needed to punch in, or tasks that needed to be done, but by waking up and asking myself ‘how do you feel?’ ‘what do you feel like doing today?’ I was able to slow down and whittle away at what I needed to get done, as well as what I wanted to do. I listened to myself. I had somehow forgotten to do this and by slowing down and taking the time I could finally hear what I’d been screaming on the inside. “It’s not that bad” “It could be so much worse” “Be grateful” “At least you have a job, and friends that are willing to help, and money in the bank, and you woke up healthy today” How had I forgotten these things?
Nope, this wasn’t the plan, but maybe that’s a good thing. Feeling burnt out for this long hasn’t been fun. Knowing to my core that I needed a break and not taking one is on me. In a weird way the universe forced me to be exactly where I needed to be. At a wonderful cabin in the woods surrounded by beauty and the freedom to do whatever I want. The universe has a funny way of putting you right where you need to be. Do I wish I could’ve gone about this in a different way, a way that I didn’t have to pay for a very expensive and time-consuming transmission? Yes! Of course I do! But this is the way that it is. I can’t change it, and it has brought me to where I am right now seeing it the way I do, so actually no, I wouldn’t change it.
We know what it is we need; we just need to take the time to listen. I haven’t been listening. This comes back to avoiding and resisting. Resisting meditation where I slow down and take the time to connect with my breath and listen, really listen. Listen to my gut and those whispers that come up telling me what I already know. This time away has allowed me to take the time to do just that, listen. Being back at a good baseline feeling less overwhelmed and anxious feels so good. I feel like me again, finally!
Sometimes we just need a minute, and that’s absolutely ok, sometimes it’s even critical. Take the time to sit still, connect with your breath and listen. What is that voice inside you whispering? Can you hear it?
Accepting that this wasn’t the plan and making the most of the situation has felt wonderful. It’s reinstated confidence in myself that I’ve lacked. Once I was able to accept my new reality everything seemed to fall into place. I found places to stay with wonderful friends more than willing to help me any way they could, the cabin was available for the time I needed it, I was handed an extra day off work which almost never happens and was able to go up a day earlier than expected. I was welcomed with open arms by the owner of the cabin who was grateful to have someone appreciating it the way he and his family do. The weather while at the cabin couldn’t have been better. I got exactly what I needed without much of a plan at all. Life was easy for the first time in a long time.
Reconnecting with myself has felt wonderful and something else that caught me by surprise has been reconnecting with others. Having been so closed off for so long without even realizing it I am now finding it much easier to connect again. This time out of the van has actually been really fun and worthwhile in ways I couldn’t have imagined or predicted. So when things don’t go according to plan, which is often, give yourself a minute and embrace what is. Take the time to be grateful and let go of your plan. Maybe your plan isn’t the right plan, or what you need right now. Believe it or not we may not always have the answer. Unfortunately I couldn’t see past my plan to accept that. My goal moving forward is to remember that I hold the power to shift my perspective and turn a negative into a positive. To take a minute to do so when I need and take the time to recognize when that time comes. It’s ok if you just need a minute because if you ignore it too long, the universe will make sure you take it whether you like it or not.
Mindfully Authentic 