I’ve felt the urge to write lately, but am struggling so much at putting into words how I feel, as I’ve been feeling it all. I’ve been paralyzed with fear. Fear of the unknown. I know there is a lot of change and transition coming my way as that’s what I want, but with change comes so much uncertainty. Even though I know all will turn out the way it is supposed to, this shit ain’t easy.
I’ve always struggled with limbo, it’s my kryptonite, and I’ve been in limbo far longer than I care to be. I am 36 and single which is great in many ways, but hard in so many others. I have all this freedom that many would kill for, but with that comes indecisiveness and constant questioning of what’s next. When it comes to relationships, career, even where to live, it’s all up to me. So much freedom as I can do an go wherever I want, but sometimes it’d be nice to bear the brunt of it with someone else. I go back and forth between “you only live once” and “be responsible”. It’s a constant battle between playing it safe and pushing the envelope. I’ve always had a safety net with my career and I’m really struggling with relinquishing it and essentially starting over.
In some ways my safety net will never fully be removed. I have my degree and 11+ years of nursing experience that I can always fall back on. The problem is I don’t want to fall back on anything. I want to push forward and see what else I can do with what I’ve learned and experiences I’ve had. How I can help others in new and exciting ways? How can I take what I’ve been through and help others through their stuff? I have done so much work on myself over the last few years and it has drastically changed the way I see and process things and I want to share that with others and help them help themselves. But how? I’m still figuring things out and have a long way to go. I still need time to just be for a while. Time to figure out what’s next.
My plan has been a van. Sell everything, move into a van, hit the road and explore, just be. This is still my plan, but man has it taken it’s toll on me. I bought a Sprinter Van partially built out a couple months ago. Everything leading up to it went according to plan, just fell into place, no resistance. Then I got home and SHIT. HIT. THE. FAN. It could’ve been worse, but it’s been one thing after the other. As soon as a problem would be solved, another one would pop up. And not cheap problems of course. All the while in the shop and unable to even registered it. So many things out of my control and yet being forced to leave it all up to faith that all will work out how it’s supposed to. Also costing me more and more money I had saved for the actually exploring part, not fixing up the van part. Taking any extra shift or hours at work and trying not to spend money on anything extra and save it for the road. When the last place I want to be is work. Not my ideal way of living. Boo hoo I know…
I guess the lesson is that things never really go according to plan and it’s how we handle it when that happens that speaks to our true character. Well I didn’t handle it all that well. I’ve lived in fear and let stress drive me borderline insane. I’ve escaped in any way that I could. Avoiding meditation and yoga as that would make me face the things I didn’t want to face. Drinking and watching mindless tv, putting my time and energy into things that I don’t actually care about simply to avoid the things I do.
In all of the this the loneliness has been paralyzing at times. That feeling of ‘alone’ can be debilitating. As an extra special swift kick to the heart I found out the guy I’d established a connection with over the last year has a girlfriend. It caught me off guard and to put it simply just hurt, even though he did nothing wrong. It made me feel like I wasn’t “enough” something I’ve struggled with my whole life. The hardest part is that he’s the one that gave me the pep talk to make me feel like this van plan wasn’t crazy. After seeing his van and talking with him I finally had the confidence to pull the trigger. The whole thing felt tainted now. I’m still processing things but nonetheless none of this is about him. It’s about me and my life, which is maybe why things happened the way they did. To force me back into myself.
So I’ve gone back to myself like I always do when things don’t go according to plan. After I’ve sat with all the shit feelings, wallowed in my self pity and know that it’s simply time to move on from and learn the lessons intended. I got myself back on the meditation cushion. I got back on my yoga mat. I started reading books that help my brain think in new ways. I’m currently reading “Smile at Fear” because that’s what I need to do. I need to face this shitstorm as of late head on and kick it’s sweet ass! I traveled to my sister’s, went to the ocean and visited a beautiful meditation garden. I sat and meditated surrounded by beautiful flowers and the sound of the waves crashing. Envisioning the ocean washing all my fears and stress away, one wave at a time. I went to a breathwork session to relinquish control and awaken things that need to come to the surface and be released. I went to a spiritual shop and got some new goodies. I sat and read my book and played with my nieces. I talked with my sister and also just sat with my thoughts. I don’t have it all figured out, but I have restored faith enough to trust in the universe again and not be as angry and frustrated as I have been lately.
Life is really hard sometimes. I’ve been in far worse places emotionally and made it out stronger on the other side. I can see now why I’ve had to go through certain things in order to learn the lessons I have. I’m sure there are many lessons tied to the things I have just gone through and am still going through. I just wish we could hit the fast forward button sometimes rather than have to go through it all. Unfortunately that’s just not how it works. I’m grateful for this crazy life. I don’t have any regrets. The grass is always greener on the other side and I have been able to see how lucky I am to be where I am right now, even if it’s really hard lately. Breathe in. Exhale. Trust. Repeat.
Mindfully Authentic 