A year ago today I found out my dad had a stroke. My sisters and I were together in San Diego celebrating my middle sisters 40th birthday when we’d learn of our dad’s stroke. I had gotten to see him in the airport for a little while when I landed and he was waiting for his flight back to wisconsin. If only I’d known that’d be the last time I’d get to talk to him knowing he understood what I was saying. I miss him everyday. It’s amazing what it feels like losing such a significant person in your life. Someone you take for granted and never think won’t be there when you need them.
I attended a women’s circle in December where someone described it as if you no longer have your roots. That’s it, I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere and no place is home, no roots. There aren’t words, you just don’t know until it happens to you. I wish I didn’t know, but I do. This day last year was a long and arduous one. I had been traveling in southeast asia for 3 weeks prior. I was jetlegged, already emotionally exhausted having learned of my ex’s engagement, and then to learn of my dad’s stroke. It was all just too much. I remember just wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out until it was all back to the way it was supposed to be. Time literally felt like it stood still and I was living in a never ending nightmare. How was this my life?
Well it was my life. I somehow lived those 37 days after my dad’s stroke and continued since he passed away in March. One day at a time helped me so much when I attended Al-anon and it basically became my only survival skill this last year. It was all I could handle and I did, I still do. Some days are better than others. I had a bad day just a couple days ago. Still missing my dad and wierdly missing my ex which I thought I’d gotten past. This was the time we fell in love just a couple years ago, at the beginning of my dad’s illness. I hate that I miss him and am trying to make peace with all of it. I don’t even miss “us” just my best friend once upon a time who really saw me for who I am, not who I was supposed to be, and simply accepted me anyways. A feeling that was so foreign to me until that time and one I greatly miss. Being seen, truly seen, is indescribable and just the best feeling in the world. I miss that feeling. I haven’t felt very seen lately and I’m not really sure what to do about it. I guess it comes back to connection. When you feel seen, you feel connected. I guess I haven’t been feeling too much of that lately in some ways either.
I’m at the point where I really don’t want to settle for anything less than what makes me happy. I know not every single thing I do in life will necessarily make me happy, but I would like more of what I do to do so. I want a simpler life. One with more fulfillment and joy. I am so grateful for where I’ve been, what I’ve learned, what I’ve experienced, etc, etc. I am also still fine tuning what it is I really want out of this one life. For the longest time, really up until my 35th birthday, all I wanted was to be married and become a mom. The more and more I dive into myself, the more I question if I even want those things. I think I do, but I also accept that if they don’t happen that that’s ok too. I am no longer tied to these “must haves” or “shoulds” that I was stuck on for so many years. I am simply living day to day and in the moment and just by doing so feel so much lighter. The pressure is off and I’m the one that released the valve. Who knew it was that simple?
After everything I went through last year I am really focusing on myself and what I want this year. My number one prioirty is my health, mental and physical. I am currently doing a 200 hour yoga teacher training and am about 4 weeks in. I’ve already noticed differences in my mind and body and can’t wait to see what other changes I notice when I complete it the end of March. It’s very time consuming, but also something I’m very interested in. I feel like all of the self-help books I’ve read, and there have been lots, have really helped prep my mind for where I’m at right now. Meditation has now become more of a daily ritual, a lofty goal I had once upon a time. Something new that’s been coming up lately is that I want to explore other career opportunities. For the first time in a very long time, I don’t feel like I want to be a nurse anymore. I didn’t really see that curveball coming. It’s something I recognized in the fall, but thought I just needed a vacation. I’m starting to think the vacation I need is from my career. I still enjoy many aspects of nursing, but my body hurts and I’m tired so it’s time to see what else I can do that’s easier on my mind and body.
I’m not in any hurry though, another new thing in my life. I always felt like there was this race to the finish, but what I’m starting to realize is to just enjoy the journey. During this 3 month yoga teacher training I’ve decided not to drink alcohol and try to eat as healthy as I can, within reason. Really just chilling on my sugar as I have such a sweet tooth that can get a little out of control. I don’t really drink that much, but I find that when it’s an option I also don’t accomplish my goals as easily and I really wanted to start the year off successfully. The last 2 Januarys have been awful, despite circumstances being out of my control, but I just want January 2019 to be the best it can be and so far it has!
So deep diving into myself, what I want, and enjoying the ride, that’s what this year is all about. Just so happy to be in a healthier headspace than this time last year. Can’t wait to see what else is in store!
Mindfully Authentic 