I was texting with an old coworker, someone who I know, but it wasn’t until years after working together that we truly connected. It’s funny how that works. We’ve paid attention to each other’s journeys, hers one of health struggles tied into many other obstacles I only know of through social media, and mine being that of ending relationships, facing change, and loss. We briefly talked about the dark days and how hard it is to go through those days, but also how necessary. She stated she was sorry for my struggles which was very nice and thoughtful of her to say. I quickly replied “I’m not sorry I struggled. It’s the hardest things I’ve ever been through, but I am so grateful. No other way would have led me to where I am right now!” Up until now I’m not sure I really meant or felt that. I am finally far enough on the other side of some struggles to be grateful for them.
Yesterday I was having a terrible day. I awoke to an invititation on social media for a birthday party with lots of pictures of the birthday girl and memories with friends captured throughout her last year. This is a mutual friend of mine and my ex’s, funny enough though I didn’t meet her until long after him and I broke up. I knew upon looking at the pictures, I’d surely see some of him. Sure enough one stood out more than any others and triggerred the hell out of me. It was a picture of him and his cousin goofing around, but if you looked closely enough there was a plate of cocaine in the picture with a drivers license to chop up lines. I have made it a point to avoid being around cocaine. It’s a deal breaker for me as I absoulutely hate the drug and am disgusted by it as a whole after I’ve seen it destroy peoples lives, especially me ex’s. I do not understand the appeal having never done the drug before and never having the desire to see what all the fuss is about. The first time I was ever exposed to cocaine in my very early 20’s I ran away like a scared little girl. That continued until somewhere along the road I appeased the crowd and simply ignored how I felt about it, in order to make others feel ok that they were doing it. I wanted to show I could ‘hang’. That continued for quite some time, especially when hanging around certain friends and upon my ex and I starting out.
In my appeasing how I truly feel about the drug and going along with it, I was showing that I was ok with it, granting permission so to speak for others to use it around me, even though deep down that is not how I felt. It is something I’ve done as recently as April, when I allowed a friend to do a bump in my car on a roadtrip after he begged and pleaded with me. I wanted to be accepted, to be cool, even though it really bothered me. I have seen my ex throw his life away because of cocaine. He is almost 41 years old living at home with his parents and struggling at work, but yet still manages to party almost every weekend. I haven’t talked to him in months and have no idea of his current state, but fear that nothing has nor will ever change with him. Seeing that picture of him took me back to when we started. The compromises I made in order to be with him and show him I could ‘hang’. How I slowly chipped parts of my true self away in order to conform to someone he would want to be with. I was as digusted with the choices I made at that time as I was with seeing him in that picture.
Since him and I broke up I have slowly but surely picked up those chipped away pieces and put myself back together. I am now standing strong in how I feel. I declined the invitation to this birthday party as I know my ex will be there drinking and undoubtedly doing drugs which I know is not good for me to be around. I would be triggered and I choose not to do that to myself. I choose not to appease his behavior. I have come to the conclusion that my ex is no longer welcome in my life. I keep coming back to when my dad passed away and how he could only be bothered to give me 15 minutes when I really needed him. I am aware that he is not capable of being there for anyone when he is deep into his addiction, but it doesn’t take the pain away. The hurt I endured that day is something that is borderline unforgiveable. Everytime I miss him or have an urge to reach out to him in some way I simply think ’15 minutes’ and am utterly disgusted.
I know he is hurting too. I know he has yet to face his addiction, and may never. This breaks my heart. I wish so badly that he could see what I see, but until he chooses to, he won’t. The fact is he has not shown up to our friendship or relationship in well over a year now and that simply doesn’t work for me. I hope he knows that I am always here for him if he needs me. Granting him that which he wasn’t strong enough to grant me. He will always hold a piece of my heart and I am grateful for our relationship and the struggles that came during and after for they have helped me become who I am today. Some of those struggles took me to my lowest of lows. Crying myslef to sleep more nights than I can count along with utter exhaustion and despair as to why he didn’t feel the same way.
Those struggles forced me to surrender and trust the universe. Once I started to accept that his and I’s relationship was over the universe started to show me signs of validation. People started showing up in my life that were thinking like I do and shared the same passions for getting curious about life. Literally as I type this I just looked at the clock and it is 11:11 which is a divine sign and coincidentally my ex’s birthday. A fact I took as a sign for far too long that he was meant to be in my life. He was meant to be in my life, just not forever in the ways I had imagined. Trusting the universe is one thing, but letting go of the expecations of the universe is something different. I am finally starting to relinquish control and let the universe do it’s thing. Seeing 11:11 now as I type simply validates that my train of thought is on the right path. That’s how I choose to see it anyways. People will call you crazy and not agree with the signs you see, but if you check in with yourself, only you can truly know what these signs mean and interpret them the way only you can.
So life is good lately, but it’s not all hearts and flowers either. I am happy, but I am also not feeling like everything is falling into place like it has at other times. It’s this wierd ebb and flow thing. I’m trying not to get too wrapped up in things, but also can’t help but feel a little defeated. I met someone I really connect with. I feel as though we have lived extremely similar lives, yet also very different. I feel as though we interpret things very similarly as well as cope with things similarly too. We both started blogs as a way of showing vulnerability, we’re both nurses, both gone through extreme loss and come out the other side better because of it and yet the universe isn’t allowing us the time right now to explore that. I feel as though I was teased with everything I’ve ever wanted and looked for and its simply being ripped away after having tasted it. I’m frustrated and also just trying to see the lessons I need to learn in this situation. Taking it as a sign that our time is simply not right now and that I must continue to work on myself in order to be ready for the right time, whether with him or someone else. I need to let go of him and the thoughts and ideas that ran rampant through my mind and simply see what the universe has in store for me.
It’s these times that I struggle the most. Having all of the questions I seek answers for and yet the living through it is the only way to receive said answers. Why can’t we all just have a crystal ball that shows us what to expect? If only right? But if we had the answers I feel we’d be dissappointed somehow, maybe not liking how it all turns out or in knowing how it is going to. So here I am. Writing how I feel in order to begin to process it. To live this ebb and flow that we call life. The ways I get back to getting curious and finding clarity is by reading. I just finished Purpose by Jessica Huie where she talks about losing her father and how that utterly rocked her world. Having just lost my dad I could relate to a lot of what she talked about. It also took me back to other struggles I’ve had that I haven’t quite reached grateful for yet.
My dad’s death is one that is still extremely raw for me. Certain parts I’ve accepted and others I haven’t even begun to wrap my head around. I was able to learn more about my sisters perspective on dad’s death recently which helped me see it in a new and different light, one somewhat the same yet very different from mine. But that is it right, we all have different perspectives based on our own experience. My sister experienced different things with my dad growing up, throughout her life, and throughout his death. Those are hers and I’m lucky enough to share some of them and learn from others.
Growing up my dad was consistent and reliable, someone I could goof around with and was hard on me, maybe a little too hard at times, but molded me to be tough and be able to figure things out and do things myself. My dad made me independent and strong. 2 of my favorite qualities I have. So I am beyond grateful for that. Grateful for the lessons he taught me and in subtle ways he instilled those qualities in me with his neverending patience. I do not know how my dad was as patient as he was. Living with 4 women I guess he just had to be. I am not sure I could have been, had I been in his shoes. Thinking this way helps me to understand the parts that I am not as grateful for. It helps me understand my dad’s humanity and that even though I wanted him to be perfect, he simply was not. He made mistakes, choices, etc. He was doing his best, even if I didn’t think so at the time. I am still trying to wrap my head around some of the choices he made. Trying to forgive them and him in ways I’m unsure how to without him here to help me understand. This is something I will probably be doing the rest of my life. The one thing I have to remind myself is that none of it had anything to do with me. His choices and battles were all his own and I need to respect him and his memory in knowing that he was simply human and did his best. Knowing this and accepting this are two different things and I am working hard each day to accept it more and more.
Struggles. Everyone has them. It’s how you handle the struggles that shows your true character. In writing I am simply trying to share with you my struggles so you know you are not alone in yours. Gratitude is one way to help heal resentment. I am grateful for my dad and who he raised me to be. I simply need to focus on and remember more of that and less on things I hold resentment for. I also need to reflect on my choices and my humanity and remember we are all just doing the best we can. Holding others to unrealistic standards is on me and I need to look inward and face my stuff regarding that. The journey never ends, but I’m grateful for the lessons learned when times are the hardest. It’s reassurance that it’s not for nothing, if you choose to see it that way.
Mindfully Authentic 