I haven’t written in months. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, but more not the time to say it, as well as insecurity about what it is I have to say. I was really busy as well, maybe too busy. I question if my busy-ness was avoidance of some kind. Avoiding dealing with certain things or maybe even just taking the proper time to process it. I got some feedback about this blog that was actually quite bothersome and I got really insecure. I let someone tell me how and what I should be feeling and even saying, or not saying for that matter. I was told that some of my content on this blog was not mine to share and that other blogs tell people how they go about dealing with things rather than just share information and how they feel. Unfortunately I do not agree with all of the feedback. The content I shared was mine to share. It is how I felt and was dealing with things at the time. I do agree I could have shared it differently and the timing may have been off, but nonetheless I did learn from that conversation as well as the situation. Unfortunately we all accept things differently and I do respect that and will think more about how and what I say in the future. All feedback is welcome and I will take it all into consideration, but ultimately this blog is for me. I choose to share it with you and with that comes the risk of some things not being accepted or liked for that matter. It’s a risk I’m willing to take, but also needed to take some time to process it all before getting back to this.
The hardest part of that conversation is that I was really triggered. The triggers took me back to being a child and feeling bullied into being told what I feel is not in fact what I feel. I have felt this in many different ways throughout my life. Because of that being a repeated pattern I learned not to share my feelings. I think that is partially why I started this blog in the first place, to simply share how I feel and finally be heard as I do have a lot to say. It is so important to share things, as well as how and why they make you feel the way they do. It’s part of being human and sharing that makes us all feel connected to that humanity. So I’m back to writing and sharing how I feel because that helps me and I’m hoping maybe it helps you in some way too.
A lot has happened during my little hiatus. I could go over all the places I travelled to and experiences I had, but I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to go into how those things made me feel and what I learned along the way. More than anything over the last couple months, the thing that sticks out the most is CONNECTION. Connection is what it’s all about, it’s the good stuff. I had a wide variety of experiences with a wide variety of people. Some that are willing to get deep and dive into the raw and hard stuff, some that aren’t comfortable with that at all and choose to numb that part down, but still somehow able to connect despite being numbed. Some that have walls up and are only able to scratch the surface, but still able to get a glimmer of connection which you learn has to be enough for now. Regardless of the level and depth, when that connection is felt, it is simply magic. My heart flutters and fills up with love and joy during those moments. I find myself seeking out connection even with strangers now, even if it’s just for a second. I just get so much out of it. I’ve also learned it’s not that hard to connect with some people, whereas can be really difficult with some others. For so long I was afraid of being judged or ridiculed for simply sharing how I felt or what I thought that I wouldn’t risk that, thus being disconnected.
It’s really hard to believe how disconnected I was for so many years. I had a wall up so high and thick that no one was going to get through. How sad that was and lonely it felt. I’m not saying I have it all figured out or that I don’t still have that wall up in some areas of my life, but I am more aware of it now than ever. Awareness is the key to unlocking whatever it is that you want. If you can just observe yourself than you can identify things you like and do not like, and then tweak those accordingly. I have found that when I overreact to things it’s usually related to something completely different than what is actually going on. I am triggered, react, and then really think about why it is I reacted that way. Sometimes I can figure it out, and other times I can’t even begin to. I’ve also started reacting less and less, but really taking the time to think about things before having a knee-jerk reaction and then regretting it later. There is power in waiting and observing, great power.
This awareness and observation has not come easy, it’s taken time and a lot of effort to literally retrain my brain. It started with meditation. For any of you that think you can’t meditate, I promise you can. The hardest part in meditation for me was actually accepting what my thoughts were and learning how to redirect things when I didn’t like the places my brain was going. I am EXTREMELY critical of myself, harsh at times. I had to learn not to be. I still struggle with this every single day, but I also accept that. It is ok to have goals and be disappointed in yourself or your actions, but you also need to forgive yourself and move on, as well as learn from it. I grew up thinking and believing I was never enough. Never skinny enough was probably at the top of that list, along with pretty enough, smart enough, good enough athlete, the list could go on and on. I created so many barriers to myself because I simply didn’t believe in myself. I have worked extremely hard in changing that and it’s amazing the things that have simply fallen into place because I have.
It all starts with you. You are the key to your own happiness. Just you! If you are not happy, you are the only person who can decide to change that. You have to do the work, and it isn’t fun sometimes, but the payoff is SO worth it. It’s been the hardest year or so of my life for a multitude of reasons. There were times I couldn’t pick myself off the couch, cried myself to sleep, pleaded with God as to why I was so unhappy. Ultimately I changed all of that. As hard as it was at times, I picked myself off the couch, or turned to a friend or my family and made plans simply so I couldn’t retreat back to my sad place on the couch. I forced myself to go to yoga and connect with the mat and invest myself in whatever the class was that day, knowing I always felt better after. I went to A LOT of live music shows as that always soothes my soul! I sought out therapy and have been upfront and honest with my therapist and really have tried to undo some of the things I am not happy with in my life. The point to all of this is I am trying. Every. Single. Day. The greatest part is that it’s paying off. I am happy and I’m even told by others that they are noticing the difference. A coworker of mine yesterday said that he has a hard time remembering seeing me in a bad mood. I can’t remember the exact context of our conversation, but this coworker has always been extremely straight forward with me and really doesn’t hold back how he feels. It’s the main reason we get along, that he’s such a straight shooter. I was blown away by how good that made me feel. To have someone not remember the last time they saw me in a bad mood really says a lot. Especially since I used to be the queen of bad moods and attitude. I’ve been told many times by many different people that I am unapproachable, people feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me, that I am too blunt, a bitch, etc. These are all things I honestly can’t deny of myself at different times and situations throughout my life, but also don’t really love about myself. I’ve learned to accept it all and love myself regardless, but also to change or ‘tweak’ those things too. I’m still learning, observing, and tweaking every day. You don’t have to have all the answers, you never will. Accepting that and adapting accordingly is all we need to do.
In finding my happy and in my efforts to connect I have found that it rubs off on people. I really believe in energy and I try to exude positive energy as much as I can. I have seen that this simple act, which is becoming easier and easier every day, helps others to do the same. By simply acknowledging little things and sharing that with others, it creates good energy and trickles out slowly but surely. My hope is the little positive vibes I put out everyday will somehow make the world a more positive place. I know that I’m limited on how much of an impact I can make, but my goal is to find a way to impact more and more people in order to accomplish this on a larger scale. At some point I’d love to write a book. I feel as though I am living through the times that I want to write about and will know the right time if an when it comes.
The world we live in right now is so darn depressing. Our planet is polluted to extremes as well as literally melting from said pollution. The political world and government right now is beyond corrupt and divided. Racism and the effects of that are still way too prevalent in countless ways that are just appalling. Suicide rates are up and we are losing people due to lack of mental health resources. The list goes on and on. I personally feel like every time I open social media, I find out another person I know is dead or a person I love has lost a beloved friend or family member. There has been WAY TOO MUCH death lately. They say it comes in 3’s but lately it feels like it’s coming in much higher numbers than that. Deaths lately vary from people I know and love, lost ones of people I know, as well as celebrities that I obviously don’t personally know, but it is still death and yet somehow I am still effected. There are so many little things that I could choose to wallow over and get depressed by. Instead I choose to acknowledge how all of that makes me feel, but also still try to connect with others and show they are not alone, hoping to spread the love and joy around to the best of my abilities at this time.
I am still figuring out ways of doing this. I am also still reading and learning as much as I can about myself and others. How others perceive things whether the same or different than me and trying to see different perspectives. I am trying to hold space for others that need it, listening and being a friend in ways that are really hard sometimes, but also really rewarding. I am also trying to continue to take care of myself. My yoga class yesterday was about self-care and how important it is. This was such a great reminder as I have been really burning the candle at both ends lately. Working a lot, moving, having travelled a ton over the last 7 weeks. I am exhausted in many different ways and know that I need to refill myself and all of that starts with self care.
What are your favorite ways to refill yourself when you feel exhausted? I’d love to hear from you!
As a personal reminder, please remember we are all human. We make mistakes, we overreact, we say hurtful things, but we all must remember that we are all individuals , just trying to figure it out and get through it all. Each day is different for each and every one of us, none of us truly knowing what the other one is going through. Be kind. Be understanding. Connect, or at least try to!
I’m sending as much love as I can out into the universe for any of those that need it or need a little extra today. Much love to you all!
Mindfully Authentic 