Well I just banged out 4 pretty heavy poems in about 2 hours. I guess I’ve been holding a bunch of stuff in. I kind of already knew that, but also kept busy enough that I didn’t allow myself the time to put it down on paper. All the while kind of catalogging it in my head.
So it’s been a crazy week. It started with meeting a new friend that is such a breath of fresh air and really just helped pull me out of my post dad dying depressive funk. Praise the lord for that!!! Of course I’m still sad and grieving, but life is also going on each day and I am going on with it. So this new friend just gets it. I knew pretty quickly after meeting him that we have a lot in common and have also each been through a lot, but come out stronger in the end. We had in depth conversations rather quickly which I’ve learned most people shy away from. The people that don’t, these are my people. Dan, my new friend, is my people. We simply talked throughout the day at a friends barbecue about life, likes, dislikes, etc. We took the time. It wasn’t small talk, it was real talk. So that’s been awesome to have a connection with someone new again, even if just a friendship, I forgot what that felt like. We’ve talked a bunch about movies, music, philosophy, sprituality as well as many different life experiences that have helped to shape us to who we are today. I’ve learned so much in the last week just from his insight and different things he’s enlightened me on and I hope I have done a little of the same for him.
I also started therapy this week. I started looking for a therapist about a month or so ago. What a process!!! Ugh! But nonetheless, I finally got an appointment and went. I’ve been to a couple different therapists in my life, but this one just feels different. I really feel like she’s listening and relating to what I’ve been through in my life. I’ve made a deal with myself that I am going to continue therapy for minimum of a year even if I feel great. I know there is just so much I have to deal with and just never really have. There is a lot having to do with my childhood and different events I had either blocked out or only partially remembered as well as living in fear and shame for pretty much my entire childhood, much of which I still carry with me today. I have to figure this stuff out if I want to have healthy adult relationships so that’s what I intend to do.
In starting therapy obviously a lot of family stuff came out and the recent passing of my father. The different dynamics of my family and how that was growing up and is today. Also though, a lot of stuff about my ex has bubbled to the surface this week. I think partially because I felt connected with another man and haven’t had that feeling since my ex and I broke up all the way back in June. It is a wierd feeling to still miss someone after all this time knowing he’s just 40 miles away, but might as well be on the other side of the world. All of the poems that just spilled out of me are of course related to him and our relationship. Some of it anger, some still not understanding, and some just feeling sorry for my part in all of it. My alanon meeting yesterday was on ammends. Ammends is a tough one as it’s hard to be sorry for your actions when the addicts actions are almost always worse by definition. I did play my part though and I need to own that, even if it’s just in a poem I publish on this blog that he never sees. It’s at least out there and out of me which is the most important thing. I still want to talk to him. I still want to see him. I still want to save him. I still want him to want me and to show that. I still somehow believe we are destined to be together even though my head knows that notion is crazy. I still believe, and this is one I have got to let go of, that if he was clean and sober that we’d be together. There’s no way of knowing any of that, especially when he is still fighting accepting that he is an addict. I even question it sometimes, even though I 100% know that he is, his behavior is textbook. He’s gifted at making you believe he’s not though, or that he has control, when in fact he absolutely doesn’t. This is all the things that I need to let go of. Him as a whole! I need to extricate him from my life all together, once and for all. I am unable to change him, fix him, whatever. I have got to accept that! Every single time I hear and recite the serenity prayer I am reminded of just that
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
That is exactly what I need to do. Every. Single. Day. It’s a cycle, about every 2-3 weeks I have this urge to call or text him, just reach out in some way. Check in on him or claim I need him in some way. This is not fair to him and especially not fair to myself. He is not able to help himself, so he surely isn’t going to be able to help me. About every other time we do connect he does help me in some way wierdly. And the other times he simply dissappoints me which then hurts me and starts the cycle all over again. I am choosing to break this cycle. He’s not asking me to call him, he’s not reaching out on his own in any ways, so why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself? It’s become habitual and it’s a habit I have to stop! So I am choosing to. I posted this on my instagram yesterday
Doorways
Choice is the most powerful tool we have. Everything boils down to choice. We exist in a field of infinite possibilities. Every choice we make shuts an infinite number of doors and opens an infinite number of doors. At any point we can change the direction of our lives by a simple choice. It is all in our hands, our hearts, our minds. -Author Unknown
So after posting that I am taking pride in my choice not to reach out to him. I also made the choice to mail him back the only possession of his I’ve had since we broke up in June. I was holding on to it in order to have a backup of having something of his I knew he’d want back at somepoint. Safeguarding an excuse to reach out to him if I needed to and possibly get to see him in order to exchange it. I choose to no longer have something like that to fall back on. I choose to let him go as he simply does not deserve me in the ways I’ve continually allowed him to have me, simply because I love him. I am also no longer in love with him (praise the lord). I will always love him and I fully accept that and am grateful for it, but I no longer am actively in love with him. So I’ve made these choices knowing there are going to be times when I want to choose to ignore them. I am hoping and praying I am able to uphold this choice to let him go completely.
For now, I am reading again. Reading things that challenge my mind in the ways that I think and process information. I am observing myself again and my actions and reactions. I am back in my body, feeling and aware of my surroundings and what those things mean to me. I am continuing to live life one day at a time and for the last week each day has been good and easier than the last to live through. I know I will struggle again, but for now I am happy, finally!
Mindfully Authentic 