Last weekend was a long and hard one for me. Leading up to it I had plans to make it the weekend of fun as I think I knew a 3 day weekend with all that’s going on in my life would be a little heavy if I didn’t keep busy. My self awareness was spot on as the further into the weekend I got, the heavier it became. I had a weak moment and reached out to my ex to see if he’d be interested in getting together for a walk, hike, dinner etc. He quickly declined that he didn’t think it’d be a good idea. I was crushed but understood. I knew I was reaching by contacting him, but I just needed him in a way that no one else could be there for me. I knew it was selfish, but I was also respectful of his relationship with his fiancé. I just needed my old friend in the way he helped me so much in the past, just by simply listening.
Fast forward 2 days later and I find out they broke it off. It wasn’t that big of a surprise to me but at the same time sort of was. It validated some of the things I had always felt about their relationship, but also convinced myself I was wrong about. They’d been engaged a little over a month, one of the hardest months of my life. Now that they’ve broken up I am just relieved and hopeful that my ex can get healthy. That is all I care about for him. I see us being friends which I’m grateful for as I miss my friend terribly, but he just needs to be alone and figure his stuff out once and for all. Time will tell, I pray he’s able to figure his stuff out.
Along with all of that news, my dad had a procedure which went well. Each time he has surgery or a procedure it is terrifying, as he’s still pretty sick, although stable. The fear and anxiety of something going wrong never really leaves considering how many risk factors he still has. One day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time with him. So the procedure went well and he recovered pretty quickly, all good. He’s to be discharged from rehab and we were scrambling to find the right place for him to continue his rehab as we aren’t able to care for him safely at home. Fielding calls and relaying messages has become a new routine in my day to day life. I’m in contact with my dad’s nurse each day, doctor a couple times a week, and his discharge care coordinator what seems like twice a day lately. I’m also working full time. All of these decisions that have to be made in a timely fashion can be quite overwhelming. To add to the difficulty my mom has pretty much checked out. She simply stopped responding to texts, even when asked important questions. She also doesn’t respond to voicemails from all of the people I talk to that have important, pressing questions that need answers. My sisters and I have had to step up more than ever before, and step up we have. I am so proud of us and beyond grateful to have them both in my life and with me during this extremely difficult time. It’s amazing how differently people can respond to stress. I’m trying to have compassion and really put myself in my moms shoes as she shuts down emotionally and turns to work for solace. This is really difficult for me as I really just can’t understand how that works for her. This is my current struggle, trying to have compassion for a person that hasn’t shown much compassion herself. Instead she’s checked out, ran, and played the victim in ways that are astonishing. These are her defenses, and I’m trying so hard to be sensitive to them. My tolerance and patience have been pushed further than ever. When I don’t think it can get worse, it seems to.
Stress has been at the forefront of my life for at least the last month, but feels like much longer. I’m exhausted every day. I come home after work and just don’t have the energy to do much at all. In my head I know I should be going to yoga more as each time I do I’m reminded how good it is for me. I haven’t been to my group meditation in months. I need to be in nature as that is my happy place, but again can’t seem to get myself to the woods. I get up, go to work, come home from work, and veg. Rinse, wash, repeat. I’m in a rut and need to pull myself out!
I need to have plans on the books for the majority of the weeks ahead as that is the only way to insure myself to be busy enough to not be consumed with being in my head. It’s hard to commit to things as there are still many things up in the air, although getting more stable each day. It’s good for me and necessary to have time alone to process my thoughts, but too much time alone is when I get in trouble. I get too weighed down and can’t pull myself back up. It’s a balancing act and I’ve been too out of balance lately. I’m the only one that can change this. I need to commit to getting back my equilibrium as I know it’s the only way. I missed yoga today. I’m tired and just wanted a morning, not to rush out the door after waking up. I am going to my al-anon meeting though and then have plans to meet a friend for lunch. It’s important to take advantage of your friends when you’re going through stuff. I need to remind myself of this. We are not a burden when going through stuff, just human, so be human with good friends.
I’m hoping the weeks to come get easier. I’m hoping to have a continued friendship with my ex. I’m hoping my dads rehab continues to progress. I’m hoping things with my mom get easier. I’m hoping my sisters and I can continue to work as well together as we have been. I am hoping I can make small steps to get back in balance and feel less stressed by life. These are my hopes for today and today is the only day I need to make it through. One day at a time….
Mindfully Authentic 