Al-Anon

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting back in November of 2017.  I have friends in the program and they kept encouraging me to go, but I just didn’t feel like I really met the criteria of being there, like I didn’t really belong.  My parents just weren’t big drinkers while I was growing up.  My mom would have her standard white zinfandel with ice and my dad would have a beer but I just didn’t even think about them drinking because there wasn’t anything to think about.  Well that changed probably about 15 years ago at least for my dad.  He changed positions at work, went from working in the office wearing business casual, to driving a fork lift in the plant wearing jeans and a t shirt. He went from working day shift to night shift. He made excuses that he needed a drink to help him sleep.  I worked night shift on and off for 13 years and my mom probably double that, so we didn’t buy it, but yet didn’t really fight him on it either.  My dad is the definition of a creature of habit.  He’s been a smoker since he was 13 years old and even in the middle of the night while moving from the couch, where he fell asleep, to the bed he would light a cigarette while doing so.  No joke, every single time.  So I saw it all happening and knew what was in store, but hoped and prayed I was wrong.

My ex as I’ve shared a lot about on this blog is also an addict.  Not as much of an alcoholic, but just doesn’t have control with chemical substances as a whole.  If he has one he wants them all and is on edge until he fulfills whatever his needs are for that particular night.  He is really why I started going to Al-Anon.  I was at my wits end trying to figure out where I had gone wrong in our relationship and was literally feeling insane that the cycles kept repeating themselves no matter how much we talked about it or no matter what approach I took.  The signs were there pretty much the entire time we were together.  His partying was my original hesitation for getting involved with him in the first place.  He had control though, for a while. I didn’t want to accept that he is in fact an addict.  I wanted to believe that I could be a positive enough influence for him to stay in check.  I was for a while, or so I thought, and things were really good, until they weren’t. It was all manageable, until he couldn’t sustain it any more.  He delayed or cancelled plans more and more, made me feel less and less important and less of a priority and over time I just needed it to end.  I couldn’t be disappointed anymore.  I couldn’t rely on him or even trust him anymore which just doesn’t work in any relationship. It nearly broke me.

So these are the people that qualified me to go to Al-Anon.  These ‘sort of’ addicts that both don’t identify as such.  My dad did finally admit the night before his stroke that he in fact is a “drunk”(his words) I am happy and relieved to know that he was able to share that with us and own it, finally.  That was a huge step for him and one I greatly respect.  I had lost a lot of respect for him over the years because he was so withdrawn, especially this last year where he turned to the bottle for everything and became pretty much non compliant with his health. No one else can understand how it feels to watch someone you love lose control.  Not only lose control, but still tell you and believe that they in fact still have control.  To lie to you so much that they start to believe and convince themselves that their lies are true.  You really start to question everything you think.  I’ve spent the last year watching the 2 most important men in my life do just that, lose control.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change them.  I can’t do the hard work for them, I can’t force them to stop drinking or even identify that they have a problem.  Accepting that I am powerless over alcoholism and addiction is the first step and it’s a doozy of one to accept, they all are.

Al-Anon is a program for the friends and family of alcoholics.  The program mirrors that of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) so the steps are the same.  It is very helpful to those that are both working the program, the alcoholic themself as well as their loved one that may not understand certain actions the alcoholic made while using.  It is amazing the desperation that can go through an addict’s mind and the lies they tell their loved ones as well as themself just to get through each day.  As the one that isn’t battling the disease you really start to question yourself.  Al-anon gives you the tools and steps to look deeper into yourself and take ownership for any of the mistakes or missteps you’ve taken as well.  Nobodies perfect and as much as you want to believe that the addict did everything wrong and you didn’t, it simply isn’t true.

I have a meeting I go to on Saturday mornings.  It’s walking distance from my apartment so it’s very convenient.  In the beginning I would get so emotional at each meeting as each person spoke, I still do. Relating to so many of the things they would say, validating that I do in fact belong here, that I qualify.  I’m still even wrapping my head around that and accepting that I love, and have been affected by an addict.  I feel like it’s all a dream sometimes, but in fact it is not.

So my meetings, everyone is so encouraging of newcomers and have made me feel so safe and welcome every single time.  Even today, I shared, and at the end people came up to me and just asked if they could give me a hug, because they’ve been exactly where I am today.  To have that connection, with strangers, is such an incredible gift.  Also after I shared today, and really every time, I just feel lighter.  I was able to put into words what I felt and said it out loud to people that care and understand everything I say and are willing to just listen for the 3 minutes I have the floor.

I’m still new to the meetings.  I’ve only been to a handful, but I know I need to keep going as each time I do I feel better and learn more about myself and the people I love and care about. I don’t have a sponsor.  I haven’t worked the 12 steps, at least not officially.  The funny thing is I was working the steps before I even knew what the steps were.  The steps are listed, like a guide to lead you in the directions you need to go in order to get to the root of why you are the way you are.  Just like an addict needs to do to understand why they are an addict.  It’s a lot of self exploration which is what I’ve spent the last year doing already.  So now I’m lucky enough to have a group of people that are doing the same thing.  Being aware is a very hard thing as so many people just aren’t.  They run from being aware in many different ways.  Staying so busy that you don’t have time to think.  Denying how you really feel.  Presenting yourself in an acceptable way even though it may not be authentic to what you really feel.  Living in fear and not trusting yourself to make the changes necessary to make yourself happy.  I am guilty of every single one of these things to different degrees, I think we all are.  I am just trying to make anyone and everyone I come into contact with know that it’s safe to be yourself.

I didn’t have the luxury of growing up feeling that way.  Whether it be my insecurities, the fear I felt of having to be and act a certain way, as well as achieve certain things to be accepted, or just that I didn’t know who I wanted to be and wasn’t exactly encouraged to be anything that wasn’t socially acceptable.  Fuck socially acceptable.  Say it with me! Fuck! Socially! Acceptable!  Be whoever you want to be!  I can guarantee whoever you are is welcome at any Al-Anon meeting across the globe!