Back to reality has posed a few problems. I still don’t feel like I’m back in a reality I’ve ever been in. I feel like I am being transported back to last January when everything seemed to fall apart. Despite being able to turn my trip around after discovering the news that my ex proposed to his now fiancé, I am still very much processing this information emotionally. I kind of even just put it on hold until I was home. Well I was home a little over 24 hours and another bomb dropped, my dad had a stroke. Everything about this reality right now doesn’t feel real. My dad has been in poor health since his open heart surgery last year, almost a year to the date. He hasn’t taken good care of himself since that surgery so it’s not a huge surprise, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I feel like God is really testing my human and emotional strength right now and I am barely hanging on.
I am still trying to process both of these occurrences, the two most significant men, my ex, an addict, who still has ample time and is fully capable of turning his life back around, and my dad, who we are cherishing every moment we have left with him. I want to scream! I am so angry and resentful to both of them for not making the changes when they could. I am trying to be compassionate and understanding. Trying to forgive them for simply being human and not making the decisions and changes I’d prefer.
Last year when my dad got sick my ex was my rock. He was there for me in so many ways and I honestly don’t think I could’ve made it through that without him. This year, all I want to do is call him. Have him tell me everything is going to be ok, like he did last time, give me a hug, and just be there for me. Unfortunately the person I want to call, the one I want to be there for me, no longer exists. This harsh reality is ripping my heart out right now. The amazing man I fell in love with is just gone. It’s like I’m grieving both of them right now and I’m not sure my heart can take it.
The other hard part is that they are both alive. My dad has many debilitations from the stroke. It’ll be a matter of time and rehab to see what he can and cannot improve. My ex has become a person I don’t recognize, so even though he is physically here and I could see and touch him, it’s like he’s a ghost of his former self. Talk about a mind fuck! These men at one point or another in my life meant everything to me. They were my go to, my strength, my comfort and safety. Now, I couldn’t begin to explain what they are or aren’t. I am devastated in so many ways that I can’t even put into words. I find myself bursting into tears at any given moment, and completely normal at another. This is grief. I feel like all I’ve been doing is grieving for so long. My past relationship dragged on for so long even though it stopped being romantic immediately. There was a bond and intimacy that was prolonged through a continued friendship, I think both of us holding on to the hope that we might be able to figure it back out again someday. Even today, I long for what we had despite knowing we can never get it back. That ease and comfort, trust and safety I felt with him. A partner to lean on and rely upon when I needed him, just knowing he’d be there if I needed him to be, really for the first time in my life. The lack of those things is what ultimately ended it with us as they all faded away slowly as he grew further into his addiction. Now he is engaged to another woman. He is simply not my person anymore, even as much as I’d like him to be in this moment. My dad unfortunately will never be who he was before the stroke. He may have improvements with his speech and movements, but I’m afraid the injury to his brain has been so devastating that even with extensive rehab, he just won’t ever be the same.
Grief is a bitch! It’s a slap of reality in the face. I am not one to run from reality, but instead face it head on, even when I can barely breathe because it hurts so much. I’ve had too many moments of debilitating grief over this last year, but maybe they were just teaching me how to survive what is my current reality. One day at a time is all I’m capable of right now and that is my only goal, making it through each day and whatever that day brings.
Mindfully Authentic 