So I’ve turned the corner. I’m not going to lie I had a few rough days after finding out the news my ex proposed to his girlfriend of 5 minutes. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on as well as underlying crippling nausea where I felt like I was on the brink of vomiting for a solid 72 hours. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to pull myself out of it. Every other time this feeling comes on I’ve dwelled on it, played the victim, and sat with it for far too long. This time I’m in Thailand. I don’t want to waste wallowing in self pity while I’m in fucking Thailand, so I didn’t.
I was in Koh Chang, an island about an 8 hour drive from Bangkok when I found out the news. I was on the island to rest and relax, literally not do anything for 4 days but lay in a hammock and read a book, go to the beach, get massages, and rest. All of that is good and well when your mind isn’t racing a mile a minute trying to process how the man you are still in the process of falling out of love with has just proposed marriage to someone else. I tried to embrace the quiet island life. I rented a motorbike and explored the island. I went to the beach and got a massage. I layed in a hammock and read a book. All the while fighting back tears and complete and utter devastation. How and why could he do this? What the hell is he thinking? Coming to terms with questions I’ll never receive the answer to is one of my greatest struggles. I just don’t understand how and why people do what they do sometimes, and unfortunately probably never will. I also had to remember that he wasn’t doing any of this to me. He is simply living his life, even if it’s in a way I don’t necessarily agree with or respect.
So island life was making me crazy. I thought about leaving but felt like I was just trying to run away from my problems. Maybe I was meant to be here, to really sit and think about things, so I did that. I stayed another day rather than packing up my things and running which was all I wanted to do. After this day I decided I wasn’t running by leaving, but just finding an environment more suitable for me to continue to process things. I cancelled my last night in Koh Chang, booked a bus ticket to Bangkok for the following morning and finally felt a little sigh of relief.
The journey to Bangkok was a long one. 8 hours in a tiny van packed to the guiles with 11 strangers. I sat fighting back tears the entire ride to Bangkok. Swallowing a hard lump in my throat the whole ride. Sometimes letting the dam spill over just a little to relieve some of the pressure and shed a few tears. Then, as if by magic, I started to feel better. When we pulled into Bangkok I started to get a little excited to explore and see this crazy city I don’t know that much about. I started thinking how lucky I was to not have to deal with being attached to someone with so many problems, most prevalent addiction. That he was her problem now, not mine any longer. That I am free. Free of the guilt of not being able to save him, or help him save himself. Believe me I tried and honestly thought I was going to be able to. One thing, probably the most important thing, I’ve learned in Al-Anon is that I am powerless over addiction. This is one I know to be true, but is still hard to accept sometimes.
I have no idea what their relationship is like, maybe they are madly in love and it’ll work out. What I do know is at this point of mine and his relationship I felt like him and I could conquer the world, like there would never be a time we weren’t together. In time reality hit and his addiction grew and I couldn’t take coming 2nd to drugs and alcohol anymore so we split. It was a mutual, amicable split, but it almost broke me and would continue to break me the longer we were apart. When it ended I never thought it’d really be the end. I really believed that he would finally take a long hard look in the mirror and grow up, get himself well, and come back to me. Clearly that is not nor will be the case, but I can’t help but think he is still running. Running from the reality that is his addiction and running into someone that allows him not to fully face it. I always felt like I was a person that held this mirror up of who he is and he just couldn’t face it, the reality that he has become a person he doesn’t like nor respect. He told me he couldn’t love me until I loved myself and I took that and ran with it, learned how to love myself and now love and respect myself more than I ever have. Unfortunately I don’t think he loves himself. He certainly doesn’t respect himself or he’d be willing to face himself and his addictions. Maybe their relationship is different, maybe they have something he and I never did. Maybe they will make it all the way. I do wish him happiness for I believe its been a very long time since he’s genuinely felt happy and not just lied to himself to make himself feel happy. And this poor girl just doesn’t even know what she said yes to, I feel most sorry for her, for I’ve been in her shoes and know what is yet to come. The utter disappointments and devastations when he just can’t seem to follow through with anything he says he will. Just my luck he’ll prove me wrong and actually follow through on this marriage despite not having followed through on anything else. Regardless, it has nothing to do with me any longer. I’ve closed that chapter of my life, FINALLY! If anything I should thank him for not ever trying to come back, for setting me free, even if it has been the hardest thing I’ve had to go through.
For now, I haven’t cried in over a day which I’m taking as a victory! My nausea has gotten better and I’ve been able to eat some yummy Thai street food. I don’t feel like my world is crashing in simply because my ex has moved on. I know I’m fucking awesome and my time will come and the wait will have been worth it. I know that I need to continue to do what I’m doing. Learning and growing into the person I am meant to be, myself. Embracing life’s lessons and hardships in order to do just that. So that is what I am going to do. I’m not going to let a failed relationship devastate me anymore. I am going to be strong, separate myself completely from that toxicity and move the fuck on!
To all of you out there with broken hearts and going through similar things, I am right there with you. You are NOT alone!
Mindfully Authentic 