So I’m struggling today. Struggling to accept the reality that my ex proposed and is now engaged to be married. That’s real life and man am I feeling it. I tried to keep busy yesterday, rented a motorbike and explored the island, hiked to a waterfall, had drinks with strangers, but at the core is this pit in my stomach and overwhelming nausea to the point where I have to force myself to eat and drink anything other than alcohol.
I’ve been thinking about the many things I learned last week on the soulrocker retreat. I looked back on what I wrote down and burned in the fire at our fire ceremony. The ceremony symbolized us letting go what no longer serves us. Literally burning it in the fire.
I wrote: Let go of playing the victim. Let go of expectations in relationships. Let go of the idea of the perfect family and kids. Let go of Arde (my ex) and all he was. Hold that space open for someone that’s willing to do the work and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Let go of Resentment.
I burned these things in the fire. I cried as I watched my paper catch fire. I continued to cry watching the fire burn knowing I have no choice but to let go. So today I am put to the test of that more than ever. I am looking for support from my friends and family as it is really hard to accept this new reality, but I am also trying not to fall back into playing the victim. Arde did not do anything wrong by proposing to his girlfriend. He didn’t propose to hurt me, I’m sure I wasn’t even a thought in his mind which is really what hurts. That I just don’t matter to him, not the way he matters to me. This is the one I’m currently trying to accept which is hard but necessary. I can choose to be sad and resentful towards him because he is choosing to make himself happy but what good does that really do? All of this is easier said than done. I am still nauseous, I am still in shock, and I am still numb in general. I still have moments of asking god why and bursting into tears. I am meant to be here alone in Thailand unable to run away from how I feel. My friend told me emotion is energy moving through you so that is what I am trying to do, let the energy move through me.
It’s ok to feel what I’m feeling right now. I’m utterly exhausted from travel and all the heavy shit I’ve been working through so I am just going to sit with it, and then leave it here when I go. It could be so much worse, at least I’m in a beautiful place. This may be hard right now, but I will be stronger in the long run having let myself actually go through it and not run from it.
Mindfully Authentic 