Well about an hour after my last post I discovered some news… my ex is engaged! Insert jaw to the floor hands on face emoji. My initial reaction was to throw up. I’ve had a knot in the pit of my stomach as well as this weird feeling the last couple days, thinking about him a lot, more than I have so far this trip. I was trying really hard to avoid looking at his social media or anything as I knew no matter what it was it would upset me. I didn’t want to come down from my trip high, but something popped up and of course I looked. Upon looking at his facebook page I see that he is now engaged. As of Christmas he was in a relationship, but now he’s engaged. What the fuck? I thought, this can’t be real. Well it is, it is very real. I do not know what to think. I am so unbelievably confused, but I just keep telling myself that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. He may have been the most significant relationship as well as the love of my life, but he has moved on and it is time I fully accept that.
My immediate reactions are anger and resentment. I took care of him a lot while we were together. I paid for everything, including his bills, which he has yet to pay me back fully for. I wonder how much of my money he has spent on her. How he can live with himself knowing he owes me money, but yet is completely fine with spending money on her. I am not the only person he owes money, and I know there will be more to come. How could I have fallen in love with a man with as little integrity as him? I am trying to think of the positive. That I am free from him and all of his problems, but it is still really hard. It’s hard to imagine someone else in my place, the place I felt most at home, but a home that no longer fits.
I’ve been nauseous all day with this pit in my stomach that just won’t go away. All I want to do is numb the pain with alcohol and run away from the reality that he is so in love with this other woman that he felt the need to propose. That he feels the way about her that I felt about him. It’s going to take a while to wrap my head around it, but I know I’ll be alright eventually. I am trying my hardest to be happy that he is happy as that truly is what I want for him. I just find it hard to believe that he actually is. I hope I’m wrong.
For me, as I am alone in Thailand wrapping up the last week of my trip, I am faced with this news that truly does rock me to my core, but I choose to move on and not let it ruin it. If anything I need to use it to insure the rest of my trip fucking rocks!
Mindfully Authentic 