Soulrocker

It’s been 6 days since I left Soulshine and in that time I’ve been trying to find the words to describe what was by far the best week of my life.  I attended the soulrocker yoga retreat at soulshine hotel in Bali.  Soulshine is a hotel & resort owned by Michael and Sara Franti with the intention of bringing people together to hit the reset button.  I am still processing the magic that happened last week, 36 strangers coming together in the most special and authentic ways.  From the conversations over coffee, to what was shared in our sacred circles prior to yoga, as well as how we showed up on the yoga mat. I learned more about myself as well as others in those amazing 7 days.

Gina Caputo, our yoga instructor, (check her out on Gaia) tied the 7 chakras into our yoga practice, a chakra per day, and incorporated the different yoga poses to open each one up.  I have only known about chakras since my visit to Sedona last April when I learned about them.  At that time my crown and 3rd eye chakra were wide open, but my root and solar plexus were barely palpable.  I’d love to know how active they are now in comparison.  I have done so much work in order to try to ground myself and open myself up to receiving.  Receive I did at soulshine.  I received encouragement, support, compassion, understanding, validation, and so much more.  I also gave so much of the same in order to support my fellow soulrockers.

It was very surprising to me what came up for me in our sacred circles.  I went to this retreat to reset, but really to let go.  Let go of the ideas and expectations I had of my previous relationship as well as many things I’ve been working through around how I was raised. Just because it felt right at the time, doesn’t mean it was supposed to last forever, as hard as that has been for me to accept.  I’m not 100% sure if I have officially let go, but I do feel lighter and different around the situation.  He was one of the most important people in my life and definitely changed it for the better, but maybe he was only meant to be in my life for that reason.  This is something I’m sure I will continue to work on and learn to accept more as each day passes.  It’s funny, I looked at a couple pictures of us as a couple and it just seems like a lifetime ago.  I also know he is in a new relationship which makes my stomach turn every time I think about it.  That he could be sharing that part of himself with someone else is so hard for me to accept, simply because I haven’t been able to.  That will change very soon however as I’m feeling more and more ready to let someone in again, to risk it all over again.

The other things that came up for me related to my upbringing. I grew up not feeling much, whether it was love, acceptance, etc.  I know I was loved, I just didn’t always feel it.  My parents are great and absolutely did the best they could which has taken me years to understand and accept.  We just didn’t communicate much of anything, especially the hard stuff which was really hard for me.  So many things happened that I just didn’t understand.  I also didn’t ask, but am not really sure why.  We had to look and act a certain way so much that I forgot or maybe never really learned who I actually was.  I always felt different than what I portrayed.  If anything this last year has taught me is that I am absolutely done with that.  My main goal right now is being my authentic self, making my outside match what I feel inside.  I’ve let my hair be in its natural state, I got my nose pierced, I’m getting my 1st tattoo in a few days, I’ve started accepting my body for what it is right now, I love not wearing makeup and I dress however I feel whether it’s on trend or not.  All these things are so simple, but it’s taken me years and years to feel ok doing them.

If anything last week taught me, it is that we are all feeling mostly the same things, or at least different versions of the same things.  The main themes of the week were pain related to loss.  Loss of loved ones due to death, whether it be sudden or expected.  Loss of relationships, loss of what was expected and the hard process of grieving these things.  The fact that these 36 strangers could come together and share their stories, sometimes speaking them for the first time, gives me hope.  Hope that if 36 strangers can do it, that the rest of the people in the world can follow suit.  I think I’d lost hope.  Watching the man we call the President bully and separate people rather than create a place of peace for us to come together as a nation has been so disheartening.  It’s made me judge those that choose to support him for I can’t imagine standing behind such an obnoxious man who’d rather tweet than actually make change happen. I feel like I’ve shutdown a part of me because it is easier not to feel than to face our reality.  Shutting down is not unfamiliar.  It’s a go-to for me, an old habit, one that I’m desperately trying to change.  I feel like the retreat last week has helped me do that immensely.

So think before you act or judge, hold space and give compassion to others as they might be going through some shit as I’ve learned most of us are.  I vow not to let my stories define me for that only gives them power.  I choose not to play the victim in my own life, but to stand up and share my story and be vulnerable.  For this vulnerability is the key to real connection which for me is what life is all about!  To my soulrocker family thank you so much for connecting with me and showing me that 36 strangers really can become a family!