I had a really great weekend. I’ve lived in my current city for about 6 months and although I have a few friends scattered nearby, none are exactly super close or even in the same city. Well Saturday my good friend had a housewarming party and I was able to connect with some new and old friends, 2 of which are practically neighbors. We exchanged information and have already made plans to hang out within the next week. It’s not as easy to make friends nowadays. It was always a struggle for me until I started travel nursing and was forced to learn or I’d spend all my time alone. So Sunday I was coming off this great high and continued to have a good weekend!
Fast forward to last night. I was overcome with emotion of worry and loneliness. My ex is an addict and I am scared and worried for him. For some reason my mind kept going back to some pretty great times that we had. I was thinking about the time his mom proposed to me. She looked at me and simply said “marry him” in her sweet Persian accent. I was a little taken back as I didn’t know what to say. Him and I were brand new and weren’t even officially together, but in my heart I thought “I intend to”. I never shared that with him. I would have more interactions with his mother throughout our relationship, usually about how worried she was about him. At those times I thought he had control, but I was blinded by my intense feelings for him. He was battling demons I thought I knew about, but I was wrong.
We ended in early June. I’d reached my breaking point for so many reasons but really thought us ending would just be a break. He avoided me for a solid 2 months as he grew deeper and deeper into his addiction, running from all things that were good. During this time I struggled immensely. I would have a good day only to be followed by 3 bad days. It was a constant struggle of picking myself up over and over again. Luckily I had a new job I had to be focused for. In the beginning of the break up and my new job some days it would simply be go to work, make it through, and then come home and crumble. Eventually those days became further and fewer between, but at the time it seemed like they’d never end.
After seeing him for the first time, I felt like I could finally breathe. He didn’t look great, but did look ok. His head seemed clear. He was open to joining me for a group meditation which to me was a good sign of him starting to face his demons. If you can sit still for 40 minutes with strangers, you’re not running. Things continued to progress for a while after that, or so I thought. I was at least doing better knowing he was ok. The problem I have is that I can’t just turn it off. I continue to worry and analyze situations even when it doesn’t serve me. I know this is something that causes me pain, but it doesn’t change that I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that somethings wrong. This is not my responsibility. I can guarantee he’s not doing the same things. He’s not worrying about me or thinking about ways he can help me. So why do I do it? Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s both.
I have set some boundaries. I told him I was done. My only regret is that in my head I know what “done” means. I’m not sure he has the same definition. See with addicts, it’s so tricky. They can take your words and somehow twist them into an excuse to behave badly. My version of done is that I will stop enabling his drug and alcohol use. I won’t stand by and ignore that what he’s doing is killing him. I will put myself first, finally, and as hard as it may be. But what I don’t think he understands is that I will still be here for him. I will still care for him and love him, albeit from a distance. I will still pray for him to get well and to be safe, always. I will still worry for him. These are why the bad days keep coming and I am learning how to let go of this worry, but I’m not sure I ever will be able to. I am trying to learn how to manage it better.
Empathy is a blessing and a curse. I have so much empathy sometimes that I am consumed by how the other person must feel. So much so that I forget my own emotions or somehow get them mixed up with one another. This has caused me so much pain. There are times where it has caused me so much joy as well, when I can feel how happy the other person is. I cried myself to sleep last night. This has happened more in this last year than ever in my life. I had a fine day. I had a good shift at work, came home and had dinner, went to meditation as I planned, but for some reason last night had this crippling loneliness and worry. How does one turn empathy off? Would this be a good or bad thing?
I’m not sure I’ll ever have the answers. For now, I can breathe knowing I made it through yesterday and today is a new day. Whether it will be good or bad is up to me.
Mindfully Authentic 